ROCK, READ, AND ROAM!

Is This Church Camp, a Doors Concert, or a Nightmare?

(Jim Morrison, The Doors, Zen, Christianity, and Waking Up!) 

Part II. Exploring The Doors Literary Canon

“The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.” 

Joseph Campbell 

“The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask.” 

Jim Morrison 

“The most loving parents and relatives commit murder with smiles on their faces. They force us to destroy the person we really are: a subtle kind of murder.” 

Jim Morrison 

Over the weekend, the thought of going through all the minutia of everything I read after my experience at The Doors concert, began to bore me.  If the thought was boring me, I will guess that it would bore anyone who reads this page, so I am skipping the minutia and giving a brief overview, beginning with the “Ideas Influencing The Doors Artistic Vision,” from thedoors.com.  (I’m not sure why, but the information below, is no longer on The Doors site.  I’m  glad I saved the info!)

EXPLORE THE IDEAS INFLUENCING THE DOORS ARTISTIC VISION

Art and Artist by Otto Rank

Dionysus by Walter F. Otto

Myths, Rites, Symbols by Mircea Eliade

The Sacred & the Profane by Mircea Eliade

The Shaman's Doorway by Stephen Larsen

Art & the Creative Unconscious by Erich Neumann

The Time of the Assassins by Henry Miller

The Theatre and Its Double by Antonin Artaud

Life Against Death By Norman O. Brown

The Doors of Perception Heaven and Hell by Aldous Huxley

The Outsider by Colin Wilson

The Language of Vision by Jamake Highwater

Pan and the Nightmare by Wilhelm Heinrich Roscher & James Hillman

The Hero with a Thousand FacesThe Hero with a Thousand Faces by Joseph Campbell

John Barleycorn - Alcoholic Memoirs by Jack London

The Writings of Friedrich Nietzsche :

The Birth of Tragedy

The Gay Science

Twilight of the Idols

On the Genealogy of Morals / Ecce Homo Left Off thedoors.com For an Unknown Reason Jim Morrison, Ray Manzarek, Robby Krieger, and John Densmore, were influenced by many other artists and writers, including Alan Watts, and William Blake.  The name for the band comes from William Blake’s quote, “If the doors of perception were cleansed everything would appear to man as it is, infinite.”    A Few Lessons From My Readings In The Doors (That I hope help others.)          1.  Nightmare of being held down to the bed-  Have you ever felt that an unseen presence  was holding you to your bed during your sleep?  Did you wake up in a panic?  From what I learned in Hillman’s Pan And The Nightmare,  people have been having these dreams for several thousand years.  From Hillman- “The ancient writers, and in particular, Soranos emphasize that the nightmare can be considered a dangerous ailment only when it affects the same person time and again... The name given the nightmare by the Romans...meant to throw one’s weight upon.”    A.  Does this recurrent dream have a definite meaning? The only consensus is that the meaning will vary depending on who is having the dream.  In my case, this recurrent nightmare might have meant that I was not expressing my personality fully, especially in spiritual matters. (For one thing, I had believed that the faith I grew up in, Christianity,  was not the only way to relate with God/Higher Power/Ultimate Reality.  I had believed this for a few decades, but had not expressed this.)   Once I began to “be myself,” the dream went away. “The truth knocks on the door, and you say, ‘Go away, I'm looking for the truth,’ and so it goes away. Puzzling.” ROBERT PIRSIG 2.  The Universe/God may meet a man or woman in a language that he or she understands-  I could have heard 17.5 billion hell fire and brimstone sermons, and 23.9 billion theological debates, and tuned out the message.  The Doors spoke a language I understand, and I got the message.  “The more ignorant men are, the more convinced are they that their little parish and their little chapel is an apex to which civilization and philosophy has painfully struggled up.” George Bernard Shaw 3.  If you believe in a God, stop and consider the possibility that God may not exist.  If you don’t believe in God, stop and consider that God may exist. If you believe that your path is the only way to communicate with God, consider the possibility that you can learn from other traditions of faith.  4.  James Hillman’s Acorn Theory- The essence of Hillman’s Acorn Theory, is that we are all created for a unique purpose, and we go against what we were created to do at our own peril.  Professor Hillman is more eloquent than I am, here are his words: “Personal Transformation: Your best-selling book," The Soul’s Code," not only introduces, but documents, through fascinating anecdotal stories, the idea that a unique, formed soul is within us from birth, shaping us as much as it is shaped. While this is not a new myth, the possibility that we are fated, or called into life with a uniqueness that asks to be lived, is rejected by our culture. This myth is described as the acorn theory. Let’s begin with a discussion of the acorn theory. James Hillman: It is a worldwide myth in which each person comes into the world with something to do and to be. The myth says we enter the world with a calling. Plato, in his Myth of Er, called this our paradeigma, meaning a basic form that encompasses our entire destinies. This accompanying image shadowing our lives is our bearer of fate and fortune. The acorn theory expresses that unique something that we carry into the world, that is particular to us, which is connected to our "daimon," a word rarely used in our culture. Hillman: That’s true. Daimon is an earlier word than demon. It became Christianized as demon because Christian theology doesn’t approve of those figures who speak to us as inner voices and so forth. The Greek word was daimon, the Roman word was genius, and the Christian word is guardian angel. They are all a little bit different, yet each expresses something that you are, that you have, that is not the same as the personality you think you are. And this has our best interest at its heart. Hillman: You are its carrier so of course it’s interested in you. Yet in our culture many of us find that difficult to imagine. Hillman: Our culture has no theory of this at all. Our culture has the genetics and the nature theory. You come into the world loaded with genes and are influenced by nature, or you come into the world, are influenced by the environment, and are the result of parents, family, social class and education. These theories don’t speak to the individuality or uniqueness that you feel is you. Other cultures have this myth, but American psychology doesn’t. I think the book has been an enormous success because it introduces a very old and worldwide idea that has been omitted by our psychological explanations.”   5.  Accept That Paradox Is Part Of Life I wonder if Jim Morrison saw the paradox in rejecting Christianity, but being artistically  influenced by William Blake, who did not consider himself anything but a Christian?  As mentioned above, the band took its name from this William Blake quote- “If the doors of perception were cleansed everything would appear to man as it is, infinite.”  I wonder if I see and appreciate the paradox in my own life? “You've really got to start hitting the books because it's no joke out here.” Spike Lee 6.  When in Doubt... Read!

BOOKS I FOUND VERY USEFUL THAT THE DOORS ARTISTIC VISION DIRECTLY OR INDIRECTLY INSPIRED ME TO READ

The Complete Poems by William Blake (Especially the poems, "Mary," and "The Marriage of Heaven and Hell."

The Power of Myth by Joseph Campbell

Pan and the Nightmare by James Hillman and Wilhelm Heinrich Roscher

The Soul's Code by James Hillman

The Soul of Christianity by Huston Smith

Jesus and Buddha the Parallel Sayings by Marcus Borg

The Way of Zen by Alan Watts

The Book on the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are By Alan Watts

Faces of Compassion by Tagen Dan Leighton

Zen for Christians by Kim Boykin

Hardcore Zen by Brad Warner

Zen Spirit, Christian Spirit by Robert E. Kennedy

The Medium Is The Massage by Marshall McLuhan

Now or Neverland Peter Pan and the Myth of Eternal Youth by Ann Yeoman

Puer Papers by James Hillman

Evil The Shadow Side of Reality by John Sanford

The Heart of Christianity by Marcus Borg

Subversive Orthodoxy: Outlaws, Revolutionaries, and Other Christians in Disguise by Robert Inchausti

"Keep asking, and it will be given to you. Keep searching, and you will find. Keep knocking, and the door will be opened for you.”  Jesus of Nazareth

"It’s cool that those Zen books you are reading are helping you a lot, but maybe God first touched you through Christianity for a reason.”  (Paraphrase of my friend Robert :) )

(After a pupil has studied for a few years, Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh often sends Christians who have “run from Christianity,” into his Plum Village retreat, back to the Christian community they came from.)

7.  Expect to Get an Answer!  After reading dozens of books, attending a few meditation retreats, and spending much time in prayer and meditation, the book Subversive Orthodoxy: Outlaws, Revolutionaries, and Other Christians in Disguise, by Robert Inchausti, helped me reach a conclusion-  Following some of the “counter-culture” examples of Christianity found in Inchausti’s book, I decided that I was a Christian who believes that even though there are ways to relate to God that are outside the Christian tradition I grew up in, that I would remain a Christian first.  Christians that Inchausti’s book discusses include: William Blake, Marshall McLuhan, Jack Kerouac, and John Coltrane.

I hope that you found this post useful! Please leave your comments below, or contact me directly.  (My contact info is in the sidebar.)

I appreciate your stopping by!  Bill

Is This Church Camp, a Doors Concert, or a Nightmare?

(Jim Morrison, The Doors, Zen, Christianity, and Waking Up!) 

Part I. May 1, 2004- Time To Wake Up!

“Eternity is in love with the productions of time.”  William Blake

“Dip him in the river who loves water.” William Blake

“Wake up!!!!!” Jim Morrison 

“You know the day destroys the night 

Night divides the day 

Tried to run 

Tried to hide 

Break on through to the other side 

Break on through to the other side 

Break on through to the other side, yeah...” 

(The Doors- “Break On Through To The Other Side”)

“...And we're on our way 

No we can't turn back 

Yeah, we're on our way 

And we can't turn back 

'Cause it's too late 

Too late, too late 

Too late, too late...”

(The Doors- “I Looked At You”)

On May 1, 2004, I endured sweat that seemed to come from every pore in my body, heat that felt like the Sahara heated by global warming, and the smell of what seemed like two million people scented with kudzu, to see The Doors perform live at Atlanta’s Midtown Music Festival.   Okay, it was “The Doors Of The 21st Century,” but I thought Jim Morrison stand-in, Ian Astbury, did an excellent job of channeling Jim’s Ghost   

Wow!  Is this church camp, a Doors concert, or a nightmare?   

Right before the band came out, they played a loop of statements from U.S. leaders that seemed to echo through the collective conscious of the audience.  The loop began with a tape of Jim Morrison saying, “Is everybody in?” Each time a portion of a speech played, the voice of Jim Morrison, screamed “Wake Up!” Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. began by  saying, “I have a dream today!”  Wake Up!  Next, President George HW Bush said, “We begin bombing in five minutes.”  Wake Up!  President John F. Kennedy said, “Ask not what you do can do for your country!”  Wake Up!  The loop continued until it ended with President George W. Bush saying- “We found no weapons of mass destruction.” Wake Up!       

The band was now playing the opening notes of “Break On Through To The Other Side.”   As Astbury belted out the lyrics, I felt a unity with the crowd that I knew I had felt a few other times in my life.  It felt almost like the crowd and me were part of the same body. I thought to myself- “Where did I have this feeling before?  I know, screaming my lungs out at football games.  Well the feeling was a bit like that, but the feeling was much stronger.  Okay, then maybe another concert?  Yes!  U2 in 1983!  Anything else?  Yes- When I grew up, the closing services at church camp often felt like this.  That’s it!  I feel like, the take your pick- Ground Of Being, Ultimate Reality, Creator of the Universe, or God is trying to connect with me.”  By now, the band was playing “I Looked At You,” and as Ian sang the lyrics “We’re on our way, no we can’t turn back,” I began to believe that my reality was about to change.

Wow!  Is this church camp, a Doors concert, or a nightmare? 

When the band was a few bars further into “I Looked At You,” I had a new feeling.  This emotion did not feel like a football game, a U2 concert, or a church camp.  It felt like a nightmare!  Seemingly from nowhere, a feeling came over me that I was wasting my life.  I felt for a moment as though I wasn’t even alive.  As I looked around, I had a Walt Kowalski in Grand Torino moment- “I may have more in common with the people here than I do with my own family.” (Walt Kowalski was played by Clint Eastwood. If you haven’t seen it, please consider watching the film! :) )  Fortunately, my feeling of discomfort quickly passed, and the feeling of unity returned for the remainder of the concert.  Unfortunately, when I returned home the nightmares began again. 

Sleeping Nightmares

Within a few days of coming home from attending “church camp” with The Doors, I began to have a series of nightmares.  The details of these dreams are now vague, but the recurring motif of the dreams is not.  In each nightmare, I felt like there was an unseen force holding me down to the bed.  I could not move.  All the dreams ended with me screaming at the top of my lungs, and waking up in bed scared as hell, or with my wife waking me up because I was screaming in my sleep, and it was scaring the hell out of her!  

Nothing Else Works, So Why Not Try A Bit Of Jungian Analysis?

I knew that the Doors considered themselves a “Jungian” band.  “Okay, maybe a Jungian analyst can make sense of these bizarre nightmares and bring back the feeling of bliss and unity I had at the concert.”  So- I contacted a Jungian analyst in another city, mailed a written copy of  my dreams off, and made my appointment.  After a few more weeks of nightmares, my appointment arrived, and I was sitting in front of the analyst and her dog.  (I think she believed I needed support from a “therapy dog,” and looking back on it, I believe she was right.) Going on very little other than the copy of my dreams I mailed, and a brief thirty-minute conversation, my therapist said, “You are wasting your life... you are not even alive!”  I was a bit shaken by this, but she continued by asking me whether I knew the purpose of a nightmare.  I promptly answered, by spewing forth some intellectual schtick I remembered from a college textbook.  “No, that’s not correct!”  Okay-  Spiel number two straight from a book I read about Jung. “No, you’re still not right!”  Answer three... “No! No! No!  “You’re trying to be all smart, but you don’t really know what the purpose of a nightmare is, so I will tell you!  The purpose of a nightmare is to WAKE YOU UP!”  Wow!...   That was the message at the beginning of the Doors concert. 

Tuesday:

Is This Church Camp, a Doors Concert, or a Nightmare? 

(Jim Morrison, The Doors, Zen, Christianity, and Waking Up!) 

Part II. Exploring The Doors Literary Canon      

Pearl Jam, Mike McCready, Crohn’s, Colitis, and Me Part III (Conclusion)

Part III. So, It’s Only A Thunderstorm. It’s Not A Hurricane. Now, What Do I Do?  Conclusion (With Inspiration From Pearl Jam, Max Machowicz, and the late North Carolina State basketball coach, Jim Valvano. )

The mind is grey,... like the city

Packing in and overgrown

Love is deep,... dig it out

Standing in a hole alone

Working for something,.. that we can never hold

A place in the clouds.

Your place to hide oh my oh

I'm flying away, away

I'm driving away, away

The TV, she talks to me

Breaking news and building walls

Selling us, what I don’t need

Didn't know soap made you taller

So I'm riding away, away

Hiding away, away

So much talk it makes no sense at all

So I'm flying away, away

Driving away, away...

It doesn't hurt,.. when I bleed

But memories they eat me

I've seen it all before,..

Bring it on cause I'm no victim

Pearl Jam- Ghost

“Your attitude permeates your entire approach to life.  What does it cost you to start from a point of thinking there are more things going for you than going against you?  What a fantastic foundation to build your attitude upon.” Mack Machowicz

3.  Become open

My experience, is that both traditional and non-traditional medical practitioners can be dogmatic.  If I find what I believe is good evidence that being treated by something might help, I am willing to try it.  I take a variety of supplements that seem to help, the Brascoe and Rubin nutrition plan seems to help, and taking Azasan seems to help.  I am certain that there are those who will argue pro or con with everything I do too treat my condition.  All our bodies are different, and I would not expect that all of us will respond to the same treatment protocol.

4.  Listen To Music, Play Music, Or Both!

Music saved my life.  That last sentence will require many blog posts to explain, and I will explain the sentence the week of  May 3rd-May 9th.  I believe that music can be a life saver for many people, and I’m not the only one who thinks so.  According to research at Penn St. University, any music can improve one’s mood.  Researchers at PSU reported that after listening to music, listeners negative emotions were reduced, and listeners positive emotions were intensified by music.  The lead researcher at PSU said, “Every positive mood except loving rose in intensity after episodes of listening to music.”  For further reading about how music can improve the quality of, or save one’s life, you might want to read how Miguel at the Contrapundist blog says that music saved him from joining a gang.

5.  Set Goals and Have Dreams

Below, are some quotes that explain why I believe that it is important to set goals and pursue dreams. (All quotes came from- http://www.goal-setting-guide.com/quote-goal.html)

“People with goals succeed because they know where they're going.”
Earl Nightingale

“If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.”
Henry David Thoreau

“My philosophy of life is that if we make up our mind what we are going to make of our lives, then work hard toward that goal, we never lose - somehow we win out.”
Ronald Reagan

“Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.”

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

“You don't get to choose how you're going to die, or when. You can decide how you're going to live now.” 

Joan Baez

“The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Goals determine what you're going to be.”
Julius Erving

“Life's up and downs provide windows of opportunity to determine your values and goals. Think of using all obstacles as stepping stones to build the life you want.”
Marsha Sinetar

Here are a few of my goals:

Maintain remission in my chronic medical conditions.  Become a professional speaker and writer.  I’ve begun using Max Machowicz’ Carver Matrix  to help break down my goals into targets, and have found his method extremely useful.

6.  Treat Depression and Anxiety Immediately

I’ve experienced depression, and I believe that it is more insidious than ulcerative colitis.  Unfortunately, I have experienced chronic anxiety also, and believe that anxiety is just as harmful as ulcerative colitis.  According to the NIMH, suicide is the 11th leading cause of death of Americans, and the 3rd leading cause of death for 15-24 year olds in the U.S.  Depression is the leading cause of suicide in the United States.  Enough said!   For further reading about depression, I discussed depression in two earlier blog posts- “What Millions Of Us Have In Common With Kurt Cobain,” and “March Madness, David Foster Wallace, Elliot Smith, and Broken Windows.”  

“What most people don’t understand, though, is that we don’t win because we are a bunch of bad-asses- we’re a tough bunch of bad-asses, because we do our homework and refuse to quit.” Max Machowicz

7.  Never Give Up!  Never Give Up!

Former Navy Seal, and current writer, TV host, and martial arts expert, Max Machowicz, says that, “Being a warrior is not about the act of fighting.  It is about being so prepared to face a challenge and believing so strongly in the cause you are fighting for that you refuse to quit.”  Max also states that, “I’m a SEAL now even though I’m not doing the job.  That means not being the strongest, or fastest, or even the smartest.  It’s simply a matter of being the one who does not quit-and that’s an ability available to anyone.”  Those of us with ulcerative colitis and Crohn’s disease are blessed that we have a disease that will not kill our bodies.  We must not allow these illnesses to kill our spirits either!  One of my favorite examples of a human beings who would not allow an illness to kill his spirit is the late North Carolina State coach, Jim Valvano .  If you have never watched his “Never Give Up Speech,”  please consider setting aside  ten minutes to watch it.  Here is the video:  

  

I hope that this post is useful to everyone who reads it, but I hope that the post is especially useful to those who live with Crohn’s disease or ulcerative colitis!  Please leave your comments below, or contact me directly.  (My contact info is in the sidebar.)

Thanks for stopping by!  Bill

Pearl Jam, Mike McCready, Crohn’s, Colitis, and Me Part II

(With a bit of wisdom from my favorite Navy Seal philosopher- Max Machowicz.)

Part II. So, It’s Only A Thunderstorm. It’s Not A Hurricane. Now, What Do I Do? (With Inspiration From Pearl Jam’s Mike McCready)

Large fingers pushing paint

You're God and you've got big hands

The colors blend... the challenges you give man

Seek my part... devote myself

My small self... like a book amongst the many on a shelf

Sometimes I know, sometimes I rise

Sometimes I fall, sometimes I don't

Sometimes I cringe, sometimes I live

Sometimes I walk, sometimes I kneel

Sometimes I speak of nothing at all

Sometimes I reach to myself, dear God (Pearl Jam- “Sometimes”)

“All negative emotions are attached to some fear, without exception.” Max Machowicz

“...The fact that we can change our feelings means we have power over them... Jake was now thinking about the things he could do, rather than dwelling on all the things that he could not do.  His self talk was moving in a productive way.” Max Machowicz

Wow!  It’s Not Anyone’s Fault! - This Just Happened...

Once I got past blaming the government, everyone who had been President of the U.S. in my lifetime, my favorite sports teams (for not winning championships), the Beatles (for breaking up), Guns N’ Roses(for breaking up), big business, my parents, my employers, my friends, anyone I ever met, and the God of every spiritual tradition in the world, I felt much better. Here’s some of what I’ve learned since accepting that I have UC, and choosing to adopt a positive goal oriented approach to living with this illness.

So, It’s Only a Thunderstorm, Not a Hurricane- Now, what do I do? 

1.  Find inspiration Do you find inspiration from famous people? If you do, here are some links of famous people living with Ulcerative Colitis (UC) or Crohn’s Disease.  Pick out a name, “Google” the person’s name with, UC or Crohn’s after the name.  Check out how this individual copes with the illness, then pick out someone else, and do the same thing.  One person, who I find inspiration from is Pearl Jam guitarist, Mike McCready.

A. Mike McReady and Crohn’s Disease

In the following quote, Mike shares one of many “Crohn’s incidents” he has experienced as a member of Pearl Jam: "Playing onstage, I'm always aware of where the bathrooms are," he admits. "When Crohn's hits, I have to run, or it won't be pretty. It happened when we opened up for the Rolling Stones in 1997 in Oakland.  "It was our first show with them," McCready continues. " Five minutes before we went on, I went up to (Pearl Jam frontman) Eddie (Vedder) and I said, 'Look man, can we play 'Sometimes'? — which is a slower song that I'm not really on. I was in pain. I went running offstage looking for a bathroom, and there wasn't one. Then, all of a sudden, there was one. It was a honeybucket. I heard my band play that song from inside a portable toilet!"

Mike speaks about his personal experiences with Crohn's disease and the importance of CCFA: "I know how devastating these diseases can be. I'd be playing a solo in front of 20,000 people when 'wham!' -- this searing gut pain would hit me and I could hardly play a note."

Being on the road made things even harder for Mike. "I was taking 140 pills a week. Some of the medications caused my face to completely puff up. I was pretty depressed. Then I found out about the CCFA and I realized that I was not alone." Mike doesn’t allow living with Crohn’s disease to keep him from doing what he is most passionate about, and I don’t believe that I should allow my Ulcerative Colitis to limit the things that I am most passionate about either.

Mike's PSA for the CCFA is here.    

B. My Favorite UC or Crohn’s Video (Set to Pearl Jam’s Down)

If you live with one of these chronic conditions, or have a love one who does, it will be hard not to shed a tear when you watch this video:

2.  Become willing to do what you need to do

(I am speaking only about my situation, not anyone else’s.  I don’t know what anyone else should do, but I do know what works for me.) In my case, becoming willing has meant being open to using a combination of “traditional western medicine,” prayer & meditation, and nutrition to maintain my health.  I don’t like taking any medication, but, 100 mg. of Asazan does a nice job of helping me stay in remission.  Last fall, I had a few minor flares, and finally became willing to radically alter my nutrition.  Since I began using the principles in Jordan Rubin and Joseph Brascoe’s Restoring Your Digestive Health, last fall, I have been healthier than I have been since I was initially diagnosed with UC in 1995.   

I hope that you found this post useful! Please leave your comments below, or contact me directly.  (My contact info is in the sidebar.)

Thanks for stopping by!  Bill

Friday:

Part III. So, This is Only a Thunderstorm, Not a Hurricane- Now, What Do I Do? Continued

Pearl Jam, Mike McCready, Crohn’s, Colitis, and Me

(With a bit of wisdom from my favorite Navy Seal philosopher- Max Machowicz.)

Part I. It’s Only A Thunderstorm. It’s Not A Hurricane.

“Down. Fall by the wayside no getting out.
Down. Cry me a river dried up and dammed.
The names can be changed but the place is still the same.
I am loaded. Told that all's for naught. Holds me down.

Rise. Life is in motion. I'm stuck in line.
Rise. You can't be neutral on a moving train.
One day the symptoms fade. Think I'll throw these pills away.
And if hope could grow from dirt like me. It can be done.

Won't let the light escape from me.
Won't let the darkness swallow me.”

So long.  (Pearl Jam- “Down” )

“Still alive, can’t quit.” Max Machowicz

“Always remember that you are trying to master yourself, not find a master for you.” Max Machowicz

Once upon a time, I went to a Crohn’s and Colitis support group. (If you don’t know what Crohn’s disease and ulcerative colitis are, you may want to go to the bottom of the post and read- “I Don’t Know What Crohn’s Disease and Ulcerative Colitis (UC) are,” and then come back and continue reading.)   It was one group, in one city, on one day, and I am sure most of the groups are not like this...  At this group though, no one was finding a way to be positive, the glass was not half-full, it was not half-empty, it was less than half-empty,  and everyone was whining.  No one was talking about anything that he or she had found helpful in keeping Crohn's or Colitis in remission.  I began to feel depressed.  Why in the hell did God or whatever allow me to have Ulcerative Colitis?  Why in the hell would God or whatever give someone Crohn’s Disease or any other medical condition? 

Wow!  I don’t have cancer... That’s great!   

When I started having colitis symptoms, I thought I had cancer.  So, I was initially very relieved to “only have ulcerative colitis.”  Unfortunately, my initial joy in “only having colitis” did not last, and I began to feel bitter and depressed.  Going to this “support group” 100% filled with non-positive people, threw jet fuel on my sullen mood.

For me, that was yesterday, and this is today-  On my better days now, I believe that I live in the presence of a rain shower, not a hurricane.  Just as a thunderstorm can cause damage, at times living with UC has been painful and inconvenient.  Still, I don’t believe that rain showers and thunderstorms are as deadly as hurricanes, and I don’t think that living with the inconveniences of Ulcerative Colitis compares with living with a disease that is fatal.  I am blessed to have health insurance, in a country, the U.S.A., where 46 million people do not have health insurance.  My  insurance pays for many of my medical expenses, and my wife and I are blessed with enough income that I can afford  a very healthy diet that helps keep my illness in remission.  I live in a neighborhood where I don’t worry about experiencing a drive by shooting when I walk down the sidewalk.  I don’t worry about my wife’s safety when she needs to come home after dark.     On my healthy emotional days, I realize that the people in the pictures immediately below this paragraph have genuine problems.  I do not have genuine problems; I have “inconveniences.”  If you go to a support group, any support group, where there is not one positive person, please consider doing this- DON’T RUN AWAY...SPRINT AWAY!!!

GENUINE PROBLEMS PRESENTED VISUALLY

I DON’T KNOW WHAT CROHN’S DISEASE AND ULCERATIVE COLITIS ARE. (IF YOU LIVE WITH CROHN’S OR UC, YOU MAY WANT TO SKIP THIS SECTION.)  HERE’S A BRIEF DESCRIPTION OF THESE ILLNESSES FROM THE CROHN’S AND COLITIS FOUNDATION OF AMERICA (CCFA)

“Ulcerative colitis is a chronic (ongoing) disease of the colon, or large intestine. The disease is marked by inflammation and ulceration of the colon mucosa, or innermost lining. Tiny open sores, or ulcers, form on the surface of the lining, where they bleed and produce pus and mucus. Because the inflammation makes the colon empty frequently, symptoms typically include diarrhea (sometimes bloody) and often crampy abdominal pain.

The inflammation usually begins in the rectum and lower colon, but it may also involve the entire colon. When ulcerative colitis affects only the lowest part of the colon -- the rectum -- it is called ulcerative proctitis. If the disease affects only the left side of the colon, it is called limited or distal colitis. If it involves the entire colon, it is termed pancolitis.

Ulcerative colitis differs from another inflammatory bowel disease (IBD), Crohn's disease. Crohn's can affect any area of the gastrointestinal (GI) tract, including the small intestine and colon. Ulcerative colitis, on the other hand, affects only the colon. The inflammation involves the entire rectum and extends up the colon in a continuous manner. There are no areas of normal intestine between the areas of diseased intestine. In contrast, such so-called "skip" areas may occur in Crohn's disease. Ulcerative colitis affects only the innermost lining of the colon, whereas Crohn's disease can affect the entire thickness of the bowel wall.

Both illnesses do have one strong feature in common. They are marked by an abnormal response by the body's immune system. The immune system is composed of various cells and proteins. Normally, these protect the body from infection. In people with IBD, however, the immune system reacts inappropriately. Mistaking food, bacteria, and other materials in the intestine for foreign or invading substances, it launches an attack. In the process, the body sends white blood cells into the lining of the intestines, where they produce chronic inflammation. These cells then generate harmful products that ultimately lead to ulcerations and bowel injury. When this happens, the patient experiences the symptoms of IBD.

Neither ulcerative colitis nor Crohn's disease should be confused with irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), a disorder that affects the motility (muscle contractions) of the colon. Sometimes called "spastic colon" or "nervous colitis," IBS is not characterized by intestinal inflammation. It is, therefore, a much less serious disease than ulcerative colitis. IBS bears no direct relationship to either ulcerative colitis or Crohn's disease.”

I hope that this post is useful to everyone who reads it.  Please leave your comments below, or contact me directly.  (My contact info is in the sidebar.)

Thanks for stopping by!  Bill

Tomorrow:

Part II. So, This is Only a Thunderstorm, Not a Hurricane- Now, What Do I Do? With Inspiration From Pearl Jam’s Mike McCready

March Madness, David Foster Wallace, Elliot Smith, and Broken Windows

“For these cultures, getting rid of the pain without addressing the deeper cause would be like shutting off a fire alarm while the fire's still going.”  David Foster Wallace

“I'm just writing songs about how I feel or about how people I know feel.”  Elliot Smith

Near the end of March, I like to slow down whatever my “real business” is and go into the “basketball business.”  This years “basketball business” coincided with my reading writer David Foster Wallace’s essays “Federer as Religious Experience” and “Consider The Lobster.” While the North Alabama spring rain falls outside,  I’ve been watching the collegiate hoops athletes celebrating their victories like kids winning their first YMCA tourney, with my TV’s sound muted, so that I can listen to Elliot Smith’s  rainy day music, and read David Foster Wallace’s essays.   The more I listen and read, the more I wish that Smith and Wallace were still with us.  New Elliot Smith music for the cloudy spring days and new words from Wallace to help us see that even sport can be transcendent.  If David Foster Wallace’s writing made tennis sound like a religious experience, what could his writing have made the NCAA basketball tourneys sound like?

WHY DID ELLIOT SMITH AND DAVID FOSTER WALLACE LEAVE US?

While watching the mental toughness of the hoops warriors, I  wondered why Elliot Smith and David Foster Wallace chose not only chose to leave the game, but chose to leave the entire arena... Why would anyone kill themselves?

In the last few decades, some police departments have applied a social theory called the Broken Windows Theory to police work.  A very brief statement of this theory is this:  If a window in a building is left unrepaired, all the rest of the windows in the building will soon be broken.  This is as true in yuppified neighborhoods as it is in run down areas.  What does this have to do with suicide?  Just as the Broken Window can apply to any neighborhood, suicide can effect any individual regardless, of age, sex, race, creed, or income.

My opinion, is that somewhere during the life of someone who commits suicide, that person experiences a “Broken Window” that is never repaired.  For example, maybe someone goes through a painful divorce, and never gets over it.  He or she begins to drink just a little more than normal to cope.  The few drinks lead to a few more drinks, until one day he or she wakes up with an addiction problem.  A few years later, the addiction leads to the termination of a great job.  With no means of income, our hypothetical individual, begins to feel trapped, and things continue to escalate from there.  

 After several weeks of thinking about this, I now realize that while it may be intellectually stimulating for me to ponder why one commits suicide, the obvious is- That I do not know and cannot know why David Foster Wallace, Elliot Smith, or anyone else commits suicide. Hell, I went through several years of depression where I had some suicidal thoughts. (I wrote a bit about this in an earlier post, “What Millions Of Us Have In Common With Kurt Cobain.”)  Since I can’t totally explain my depression, how can I hope to explain some else’s depression or suicide?  I am certain of this though- If I experience a “broken window” in my life, I need to repair it immediately.    

 Some Good Questions To Ask About Suicide

1. Do I have any “broken windows” in my life that I need to repair?

2.  What are the risk factors of suicide?

3.  How can we prevent suicide?

4.  How should we react to suicidal thoughts in ourselves or in loved ones?

"Life is no brief candle to me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I am permitted to hold for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations."
--George Bernard Shaw

PRIMARY RISK FACTORS FOR SUICIDE

1. Depression (Treatable) 50% of people who die by suicide suffer from major depression. .

2. Drug or alcohol addiction.  (Treatable) Combining this with depression, is a very volatile mix.

3. Previous Suicide Attempt. 

*According to the National Institute Of Mental Health, suicide was the 11th leading cause of death in 2004.*

PREVENTION (ENTIRE SECTION BELOW, IS FROM SUICIDE.ORG  DIRECTOR KEVIN CARUSO.) 

“My name is Kevin Caruso, and I have been working with suicidal people for over 30 years; and I have been firmly dedicated to suicide prevention, awareness, and support, so please let me share my experience with you. The first thing that I want you to know is that virtually every person that I have worked with who attempted suicide, and survived, was glad that they lived. So the emotions that were causing the suicidal feelings did pass. Things got better; the sun did come out. So, let me extend that hope to you.

If you are in intense emotional and/or physical pain, remember that your judgment is being clouded by that pain. If you are considering suicide, you are trying to end that pain. Please do not confuse ending your pain with ending your life. The two are very different.

Let me also tell you that if you are suicidal, you probably are suffering from clinical depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, postpartum depression, PTSD, or something similar. And if you have something along these lines, you actually have a chemical imbalance in your brain -- and you cannot possibly think straight because of it. That is beyond your control. You are not weak. You just need some treatment. This imbalance can occur for several reasons, from genetics to a traumatic life experience, and it is extremely common for people to have this imbalance, so do not feel like you are alone. You are not.” 

WHAT TO DO IF SOMEONE SAYS “I AM GOING TO KILL MYSELF.” (PLEASE GO HERE FOR DETAILED INFORMATION.)

1.  Take it seriously.

2.  Be willing to listen.

3. Seek professional help.

SUICIDE PREVENTION RESOURCES

American Foundation for the Prevention of Suicide

American Association of Suicidology

CDC- Suicide Prevention Strategies and Links

Suicide Prevention Facts

Befrienders Worldwide

“As someone who deals with depression and anxiety on a daily basis, Elliott's music is therapy for me... Elliott has the ability to write lyrics that resonate with those of us who have felt things we have never been able to find quite the right words for.”  Garrick Duckler

“The best of our generation is not a phrase to be flung about willy-nilly, but with regards to David Foster Wallace it feels earned. Our current fascination with Twittering and whatnot may have antiquated his predilection for infinity, but Wallace's ability to parse the minutiae of modern life continues to be what the Total Noise of our world so desperately needs. Now, in his absence, we must teach ourselves not just how to write, or to think, but to see.”  Whitney Pastorek

I hope that this post is useful to everyone who reads it.  Please leave your comments below, or contact me directly.  (My contact info is in the sidebar.)

Thanks for stopping by!  Bill

Ring Of Light My Fire

“The Road Of Excess Leads To The Palace Of Wisdom”

Bill Blake

“The Road Of Excess Leads To The Palace Of Wisdom If It Does Not Kill You.”  Bill Boulton

I once heard a man say that “a rainy day causes your mind to travel.”  During my afternoon walk with my dog, Cody, my mind traveled to an alternative universe in Venice, California.  It’s a cool summer night in 1965, and Jim Morrison  is living on a comfortably decaying Venetian roof, where he is staring across the top of the stirring palm trees, across the beach, and out into the ocean.   Next to the future Dionysian rock star, strumming a guitar, smiling, and looking down at an old family Bible sits, Johnny Cash.  Unfortunately, my image of Johnny and Jim faded, before they began speaking, so I am not blessed with what they were discussing in the universe next door.

“Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.” Friedrich Nietzsche  

Darkness was a theme in the lives of Johnny Cash and Jim Morrison.  Johnny said he wore black to symbolize compassion for "the poor and the beaten down ... the prisoner ... the sick, the lonely, and the old."   Cash spoke of the darkness of his inner demons when he said, "Sometimes I am two people. Johnny is the nice one. Cash causes all the trouble. They fight."  Morrison said that "We're more interested in the dark side of life, the evil thing, the night time."  He also stated that, “People fear death even more than pain. It's strange that they fear death. Life hurts a lot more than death. At the point of death, the pain is over. Yeah, I guess it is a friend...”

What I believe, is that Johnny Cash and Jim Morrison had the courage to “look into the abyss.”  Jim Morrison had a spiritual awakening while he was alone on a rooftop in Venice, Ca., and Johnny Cash had a spiritual awakening in a cave near Chattanooga, Tn.  Both men at times attempted to numb the pain of their vision with drugs and alcohol.  One of them survived when the abyss looked back, and one of them did not.

“So in the sleazy beach area of Venice Beach, Ca., Jim Morrison began the final catharsis from a shy overweight kid to a poet and rock legend. Among the muddy canals and peeling colonnades, he lived alone, above abandoned rooms where the only sound was the occasional echo of a passing car and the only light an eerie reflection from the vacant passageways below...The light struggled to get in and the darkness struggled to get out, but all Jim Morrison knew was that a change was taking place inside him.”  Break On Through-  The Life And Death Of Jim Morrison , James Riordan & Jerry Prochnicky 

Jim Morrison- The Premature Death Of A Rooftop Poet

Like the late Jim Morrison, I am a fan of mythologist Joseph Campbell.    I think that the reason for Jim’s early demise can be demonstrated by the Modified Hero’s Journey graphic from the Passionate Blog .

 

Here’s how this graphic fits Morrison’s story: 1. Life Is Normal- UCLA Film School 2.  Something Happens To Change That- His rooftop visions in Venice, Ca. 3. Adds Helpful Sidekicks And Mentor- Ray Manzarek (Mentor), Robby Krieger, and John Densmore (Sidekicks) 4.  Things “really suck”-  Arrests, balancing relationships with several women at once, at least one his girlfriends, Pam Courson, (his “cosmic mate”) is an addict, the “Miami Incident,” drinking and drugging increase.  5. The hero Overcomes Bad Things...  Morrison failed to escape the “things really suck” portion of Professor Campbell’s Hero’s Journey.  

Professor Campbell states, “A hero is someone who has given his or her life to something bigger than oneself.”   While this is entirely speculation on my part, I believe that Jim never gave his life to something bigger than himself, before his personal demons destroyed him.    

“Something profound occurred to prevent Cash from drifting into death. It was as if,all of a sudden, peace came to him, he remembered. Cash rejected it initially because it was like "a sobriety which seemed impossible because I'd taken so many amphetamines to finish myself off. Then I became aware of where I was with God."

The feeling came to him that "God wanted to speak to my heart". Cash felt an overpowering urge to get up on his knees and start crawling in the pitch darkness. And he did so, though the passages in the cave led off in all different directions and there were sudden drops over cliff edges into huge caverns beneath. Cash had to move completely by feel, but he wasn't confused.

It was like I was following orders. I have no idea how long I crawled through the darkness, but after a while I saw the light ."

Johnny Cash- Out Of The Cave And Into The Light 

When Johnny Cash, crawled out of Nickajack cave, he crawled straight to June Carter, June’s mother and back to the Christian faith he grew up in.  Cash’s Christianity served as a light to the outcasts of society.  In the word’s of U2’s Bono, "Johnny Cash doesn’t sing to the damned, he sings with the damned, and sometimes you feel he might prefer their company.  Johnny Cash is a righteous dude, and he keeps righteous company with June Carter Cash and the Carter Family, but it’s the ‘outlaw’ in him we love…the ‘thief’ who would break and enter your heart, and leave you with a nagging question, ‘Were you there when they crucified my Lord?’" 

The Message Of Jim and Johnny 

In Joseph Conrad’s novella The Secret Sharer, the captain of a ship learns from his “shadow” how to keep his ship from running onto the rocks.   Maybe Jim Morrison would have survived if he had returned to his Catholic upbringing, maybe he would have survived if he had become a Zen priest, maybe he would have survived if the Betty Ford clinic had been open.  I wish, I had the answers, but I don’t.  I’m not God, just a dude in Alabama with a blog.   

I believe the message from these two artists lives presents itself in two questions. What can we learn from our shadow sides?  What is the cause greater that ourselves that each of us can commit to?

Do you have a cause larger than yourself that you are committed to?  What is it?  Please leave your comments, below.  If you don’t want to leave comments below, please feel free to contact me directly.  My contact information is at the top of the sidebar.

THANKS FOR DROPPING BY!

What Millions Of Us Have In Common With Kurt Cobain

“Depression is the inability to construct a future.” Rollo May

The old grey donkey, Eeyore stood by himself in a thistly corner of the Forest, his front feet well apart, his head on one side, and thought about things. Sometimes he thought sadly to himself, "Why?" and sometimes he thought, "Wherefore?" and sometimes he thought, "Inasmuch as which?" and sometimes he didn't quite know what he was thinking about.

A. A. Milne

From Winnie the Pooh

“Depression is rage spread thin.” George Santayana

Yesterday morning, my dog, Cody, could not get up.  I was downstairs, and I heard him yelping in pain.  When I came back upstairs, he tried to get up, but could not push off with his back legs.  All I knew, was his front legs could move, but his back legs seemed frozen.  So, I picked him up, and carried him downstairs.  For some reason, as I was carrying Cody down the stairs, a memory of Kurt Cobain playing with the rest of Nirvana on MTV’S unplugged  crossed my mind- I saw Kurt, frail and tired, and apparently depressed , playing “Jesus Don’t Want Me For A Sunbeam.”   Suddenly, I made the connection that depression could be our brain’s way of “yelping” for help and begging us to help it “get to where it needs to go.”

A few years ago, I was sitting in my favorite chair in our living room.  I don’t remember why I decided to move my arm, all I remember was what it was like when my arm wouldn’t move.  First, I smiled as I had a flash back to when I was in college and believed that it was actually pleasurable to drink myself into this state.  Each attempt to lift my arm, brought less pleasure,  but unlike my dog Cody, I had no one at home who could hear me yelping.    (The dudes calling the game on  ESPN, couldn’t seem to hear me. :) )  Finally, I “accepted” that I could not lift my arm, and there was nothing I could do about it- At that moment, I felt a sense of peace.   I didn’t realize what I accepted then, but what I had temporarily accepted, was that I was depressed. (My doctor  “officially diagnosed” me as depressed the following week.)  After my initial discussion with my doctor,  I went in and out of denial about this illness, before I reached final acceptance and decided to do whatever was necessary to  overcome the insidious effects depression. 

Like Kurt Cobain, before I “bottomed out,” I thought about ending it all.  Fortunately, I never went further than thinking about driving out to buy the gun. 

 

“The first step is always acceptance.  Acceptance precedes even recognition.” Cheri Huber

So, “why in the hell” am I writing about my personal experience with depression on my blog?  Because, I believe that I have an obligation do so.  (Depression may be the most powerful bullet that “Agent Smith shoots at me.”)  In the two weeks that I have been posting, most of this blog’s readers have come from five groups: 1. Entrepreneurs 2. Musicians 3. Writers 4. Music fans  5. (Some combination of the first four groups.)   I don’t want anyone reading this post to lose what I lost to depression. HERE’S WHAT I LOST TO DEPRESSION- ABOUT 20 YEARS OF MY LIFE.  Author, Elizabeth Wurtzel, said that “Prozac did not cure my depression, but it gave me a space to work in.”   For almost 20 years of my life, I did not have “a space to work in.”

The traits that enable us to succeed as entrepreneurs can set us up for depression.  If you are a writer or a musician, and you don’t believe that you have a higher than average risk of experiencing depression, please look here, or here. :)

What’s Worked For Me (In no order)

1.  Listening to my doctor. 

2.  Strict nutrition and exercise program.  

3.  Having a no tolerance policy on negative thinking.

4. Morning prayer and meditation time.

5.  Doing the “Zen thing.”  (If I think one second behind me or in front of me, I can rapidly find myself in a very bad neighborhood in my head.)

6. A healthy marriage.

7.  Sharing with friends who have experienced or are experiencing depression.

8. My dog is my best buddy.  (If you don’t like dogs, please consider a cat. :) )

9.  Walking The Black Dog Blog.   

http://walkingtheblackdog.com/  

A Few Books That Have Helped Me Overcome Depression (In No Order Again. :) )

1.  Undoing Depression by Richard O'Connor

2.  Self Coaching by Joseph Luciani

3.  The Depression Book by Cheri Huber

If you have any questions about my experience with depression, please contact me through this blog or Twitter.  Have you experienced depression?  If so, what has helped you overcome its harmful effects?  

“I wish I was like you

Easily amused

Find my nest of salt

Everything is my fault

I'll take all the blame

I'll proceed from shame”

Nirvana “All Apologies”- Lyrics by Kurt Cobain