ROCK, READ, AND ROAM!

Is This Church Camp, a Doors Concert, or a Nightmare?

(Jim Morrison, The Doors, Zen, Christianity, and Waking Up!) 

Part II. Exploring The Doors Literary Canon

“The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.” 

Joseph Campbell 

“The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask.” 

Jim Morrison 

“The most loving parents and relatives commit murder with smiles on their faces. They force us to destroy the person we really are: a subtle kind of murder.” 

Jim Morrison 

Over the weekend, the thought of going through all the minutia of everything I read after my experience at The Doors concert, began to bore me.  If the thought was boring me, I will guess that it would bore anyone who reads this page, so I am skipping the minutia and giving a brief overview, beginning with the “Ideas Influencing The Doors Artistic Vision,” from thedoors.com.  (I’m not sure why, but the information below, is no longer on The Doors site.  I’m  glad I saved the info!)

EXPLORE THE IDEAS INFLUENCING THE DOORS ARTISTIC VISION

Art and Artist by Otto Rank

Dionysus by Walter F. Otto

Myths, Rites, Symbols by Mircea Eliade

The Sacred & the Profane by Mircea Eliade

The Shaman's Doorway by Stephen Larsen

Art & the Creative Unconscious by Erich Neumann

The Time of the Assassins by Henry Miller

The Theatre and Its Double by Antonin Artaud

Life Against Death By Norman O. Brown

The Doors of Perception Heaven and Hell by Aldous Huxley

The Outsider by Colin Wilson

The Language of Vision by Jamake Highwater

Pan and the Nightmare by Wilhelm Heinrich Roscher & James Hillman

The Hero with a Thousand FacesThe Hero with a Thousand Faces by Joseph Campbell

John Barleycorn - Alcoholic Memoirs by Jack London

The Writings of Friedrich Nietzsche :

The Birth of Tragedy

The Gay Science

Twilight of the Idols

On the Genealogy of Morals / Ecce Homo Left Off thedoors.com For an Unknown Reason Jim Morrison, Ray Manzarek, Robby Krieger, and John Densmore, were influenced by many other artists and writers, including Alan Watts, and William Blake.  The name for the band comes from William Blake’s quote, “If the doors of perception were cleansed everything would appear to man as it is, infinite.”    A Few Lessons From My Readings In The Doors (That I hope help others.)          1.  Nightmare of being held down to the bed-  Have you ever felt that an unseen presence  was holding you to your bed during your sleep?  Did you wake up in a panic?  From what I learned in Hillman’s Pan And The Nightmare,  people have been having these dreams for several thousand years.  From Hillman- “The ancient writers, and in particular, Soranos emphasize that the nightmare can be considered a dangerous ailment only when it affects the same person time and again... The name given the nightmare by the Romans...meant to throw one’s weight upon.”    A.  Does this recurrent dream have a definite meaning? The only consensus is that the meaning will vary depending on who is having the dream.  In my case, this recurrent nightmare might have meant that I was not expressing my personality fully, especially in spiritual matters. (For one thing, I had believed that the faith I grew up in, Christianity,  was not the only way to relate with God/Higher Power/Ultimate Reality.  I had believed this for a few decades, but had not expressed this.)   Once I began to “be myself,” the dream went away. “The truth knocks on the door, and you say, ‘Go away, I'm looking for the truth,’ and so it goes away. Puzzling.” ROBERT PIRSIG 2.  The Universe/God may meet a man or woman in a language that he or she understands-  I could have heard 17.5 billion hell fire and brimstone sermons, and 23.9 billion theological debates, and tuned out the message.  The Doors spoke a language I understand, and I got the message.  “The more ignorant men are, the more convinced are they that their little parish and their little chapel is an apex to which civilization and philosophy has painfully struggled up.” George Bernard Shaw 3.  If you believe in a God, stop and consider the possibility that God may not exist.  If you don’t believe in God, stop and consider that God may exist. If you believe that your path is the only way to communicate with God, consider the possibility that you can learn from other traditions of faith.  4.  James Hillman’s Acorn Theory- The essence of Hillman’s Acorn Theory, is that we are all created for a unique purpose, and we go against what we were created to do at our own peril.  Professor Hillman is more eloquent than I am, here are his words: “Personal Transformation: Your best-selling book," The Soul’s Code," not only introduces, but documents, through fascinating anecdotal stories, the idea that a unique, formed soul is within us from birth, shaping us as much as it is shaped. While this is not a new myth, the possibility that we are fated, or called into life with a uniqueness that asks to be lived, is rejected by our culture. This myth is described as the acorn theory. Let’s begin with a discussion of the acorn theory. James Hillman: It is a worldwide myth in which each person comes into the world with something to do and to be. The myth says we enter the world with a calling. Plato, in his Myth of Er, called this our paradeigma, meaning a basic form that encompasses our entire destinies. This accompanying image shadowing our lives is our bearer of fate and fortune. The acorn theory expresses that unique something that we carry into the world, that is particular to us, which is connected to our "daimon," a word rarely used in our culture. Hillman: That’s true. Daimon is an earlier word than demon. It became Christianized as demon because Christian theology doesn’t approve of those figures who speak to us as inner voices and so forth. The Greek word was daimon, the Roman word was genius, and the Christian word is guardian angel. They are all a little bit different, yet each expresses something that you are, that you have, that is not the same as the personality you think you are. And this has our best interest at its heart. Hillman: You are its carrier so of course it’s interested in you. Yet in our culture many of us find that difficult to imagine. Hillman: Our culture has no theory of this at all. Our culture has the genetics and the nature theory. You come into the world loaded with genes and are influenced by nature, or you come into the world, are influenced by the environment, and are the result of parents, family, social class and education. These theories don’t speak to the individuality or uniqueness that you feel is you. Other cultures have this myth, but American psychology doesn’t. I think the book has been an enormous success because it introduces a very old and worldwide idea that has been omitted by our psychological explanations.”   5.  Accept That Paradox Is Part Of Life I wonder if Jim Morrison saw the paradox in rejecting Christianity, but being artistically  influenced by William Blake, who did not consider himself anything but a Christian?  As mentioned above, the band took its name from this William Blake quote- “If the doors of perception were cleansed everything would appear to man as it is, infinite.”  I wonder if I see and appreciate the paradox in my own life? “You've really got to start hitting the books because it's no joke out here.” Spike Lee 6.  When in Doubt... Read!

BOOKS I FOUND VERY USEFUL THAT THE DOORS ARTISTIC VISION DIRECTLY OR INDIRECTLY INSPIRED ME TO READ

The Complete Poems by William Blake (Especially the poems, "Mary," and "The Marriage of Heaven and Hell."

The Power of Myth by Joseph Campbell

Pan and the Nightmare by James Hillman and Wilhelm Heinrich Roscher

The Soul's Code by James Hillman

The Soul of Christianity by Huston Smith

Jesus and Buddha the Parallel Sayings by Marcus Borg

The Way of Zen by Alan Watts

The Book on the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are By Alan Watts

Faces of Compassion by Tagen Dan Leighton

Zen for Christians by Kim Boykin

Hardcore Zen by Brad Warner

Zen Spirit, Christian Spirit by Robert E. Kennedy

The Medium Is The Massage by Marshall McLuhan

Now or Neverland Peter Pan and the Myth of Eternal Youth by Ann Yeoman

Puer Papers by James Hillman

Evil The Shadow Side of Reality by John Sanford

The Heart of Christianity by Marcus Borg

Subversive Orthodoxy: Outlaws, Revolutionaries, and Other Christians in Disguise by Robert Inchausti

"Keep asking, and it will be given to you. Keep searching, and you will find. Keep knocking, and the door will be opened for you.”  Jesus of Nazareth

"It’s cool that those Zen books you are reading are helping you a lot, but maybe God first touched you through Christianity for a reason.”  (Paraphrase of my friend Robert :) )

(After a pupil has studied for a few years, Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh often sends Christians who have “run from Christianity,” into his Plum Village retreat, back to the Christian community they came from.)

7.  Expect to Get an Answer!  After reading dozens of books, attending a few meditation retreats, and spending much time in prayer and meditation, the book Subversive Orthodoxy: Outlaws, Revolutionaries, and Other Christians in Disguise, by Robert Inchausti, helped me reach a conclusion-  Following some of the “counter-culture” examples of Christianity found in Inchausti’s book, I decided that I was a Christian who believes that even though there are ways to relate to God that are outside the Christian tradition I grew up in, that I would remain a Christian first.  Christians that Inchausti’s book discusses include: William Blake, Marshall McLuhan, Jack Kerouac, and John Coltrane.

I hope that you found this post useful! Please leave your comments below, or contact me directly.  (My contact info is in the sidebar.)

I appreciate your stopping by!  Bill

Is This Church Camp, a Doors Concert, or a Nightmare?

(Jim Morrison, The Doors, Zen, Christianity, and Waking Up!) 

Part I. May 1, 2004- Time To Wake Up!

“Eternity is in love with the productions of time.”  William Blake

“Dip him in the river who loves water.” William Blake

“Wake up!!!!!” Jim Morrison 

“You know the day destroys the night 

Night divides the day 

Tried to run 

Tried to hide 

Break on through to the other side 

Break on through to the other side 

Break on through to the other side, yeah...” 

(The Doors- “Break On Through To The Other Side”)

“...And we're on our way 

No we can't turn back 

Yeah, we're on our way 

And we can't turn back 

'Cause it's too late 

Too late, too late 

Too late, too late...”

(The Doors- “I Looked At You”)

On May 1, 2004, I endured sweat that seemed to come from every pore in my body, heat that felt like the Sahara heated by global warming, and the smell of what seemed like two million people scented with kudzu, to see The Doors perform live at Atlanta’s Midtown Music Festival.   Okay, it was “The Doors Of The 21st Century,” but I thought Jim Morrison stand-in, Ian Astbury, did an excellent job of channeling Jim’s Ghost   

Wow!  Is this church camp, a Doors concert, or a nightmare?   

Right before the band came out, they played a loop of statements from U.S. leaders that seemed to echo through the collective conscious of the audience.  The loop began with a tape of Jim Morrison saying, “Is everybody in?” Each time a portion of a speech played, the voice of Jim Morrison, screamed “Wake Up!” Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. began by  saying, “I have a dream today!”  Wake Up!  Next, President George HW Bush said, “We begin bombing in five minutes.”  Wake Up!  President John F. Kennedy said, “Ask not what you do can do for your country!”  Wake Up!  The loop continued until it ended with President George W. Bush saying- “We found no weapons of mass destruction.” Wake Up!       

The band was now playing the opening notes of “Break On Through To The Other Side.”   As Astbury belted out the lyrics, I felt a unity with the crowd that I knew I had felt a few other times in my life.  It felt almost like the crowd and me were part of the same body. I thought to myself- “Where did I have this feeling before?  I know, screaming my lungs out at football games.  Well the feeling was a bit like that, but the feeling was much stronger.  Okay, then maybe another concert?  Yes!  U2 in 1983!  Anything else?  Yes- When I grew up, the closing services at church camp often felt like this.  That’s it!  I feel like, the take your pick- Ground Of Being, Ultimate Reality, Creator of the Universe, or God is trying to connect with me.”  By now, the band was playing “I Looked At You,” and as Ian sang the lyrics “We’re on our way, no we can’t turn back,” I began to believe that my reality was about to change.

Wow!  Is this church camp, a Doors concert, or a nightmare? 

When the band was a few bars further into “I Looked At You,” I had a new feeling.  This emotion did not feel like a football game, a U2 concert, or a church camp.  It felt like a nightmare!  Seemingly from nowhere, a feeling came over me that I was wasting my life.  I felt for a moment as though I wasn’t even alive.  As I looked around, I had a Walt Kowalski in Grand Torino moment- “I may have more in common with the people here than I do with my own family.” (Walt Kowalski was played by Clint Eastwood. If you haven’t seen it, please consider watching the film! :) )  Fortunately, my feeling of discomfort quickly passed, and the feeling of unity returned for the remainder of the concert.  Unfortunately, when I returned home the nightmares began again. 

Sleeping Nightmares

Within a few days of coming home from attending “church camp” with The Doors, I began to have a series of nightmares.  The details of these dreams are now vague, but the recurring motif of the dreams is not.  In each nightmare, I felt like there was an unseen force holding me down to the bed.  I could not move.  All the dreams ended with me screaming at the top of my lungs, and waking up in bed scared as hell, or with my wife waking me up because I was screaming in my sleep, and it was scaring the hell out of her!  

Nothing Else Works, So Why Not Try A Bit Of Jungian Analysis?

I knew that the Doors considered themselves a “Jungian” band.  “Okay, maybe a Jungian analyst can make sense of these bizarre nightmares and bring back the feeling of bliss and unity I had at the concert.”  So- I contacted a Jungian analyst in another city, mailed a written copy of  my dreams off, and made my appointment.  After a few more weeks of nightmares, my appointment arrived, and I was sitting in front of the analyst and her dog.  (I think she believed I needed support from a “therapy dog,” and looking back on it, I believe she was right.) Going on very little other than the copy of my dreams I mailed, and a brief thirty-minute conversation, my therapist said, “You are wasting your life... you are not even alive!”  I was a bit shaken by this, but she continued by asking me whether I knew the purpose of a nightmare.  I promptly answered, by spewing forth some intellectual schtick I remembered from a college textbook.  “No, that’s not correct!”  Okay-  Spiel number two straight from a book I read about Jung. “No, you’re still not right!”  Answer three... “No! No! No!  “You’re trying to be all smart, but you don’t really know what the purpose of a nightmare is, so I will tell you!  The purpose of a nightmare is to WAKE YOU UP!”  Wow!...   That was the message at the beginning of the Doors concert. 

Tuesday:

Is This Church Camp, a Doors Concert, or a Nightmare? 

(Jim Morrison, The Doors, Zen, Christianity, and Waking Up!) 

Part II. Exploring The Doors Literary Canon      

Rock and Roll Made Me Very Literate (The drug free way that Led Zeppelin expanded my brain.)

 

"Don't join the book burners. Don't think you're going to conceal faults by concealing evidence that they ever existed. Don't be afraid to go in your library and read every book...." President Dwight D. Eishenhower

In the 1980’s, January nights in Auburn, Alabama were a nice hybrid of Minneapolis, Minnesota, and Panama City, Florida.  Each January night had the “advantage” of the chill of Minneapolis with the bonus “advantage” of the humidity of Panama City.   One way to stay warm, was to go to a bar that managed to crowd about half the normal attendees of The Bonnarroo Festival into a space as big as a convenience store.  It was on one of these January evenings that my friend Wes and I decided to go see a band called The Cartoons rip through a set of covers by U2, The Cure, and The Vapors.

Seven hours of drinking beer and staying warm were all we could handle, so we decided to walk back to the home that Wes was sharing with 20 other people. (The home was as big as two convenience stores.)  We immediately began missing the tropical air and cacophonous sounds of the bar, so we put a scratched copy of Led Zeppelin IV on the turntable, turned the volume to ten, and then used gasoline to get some wet logs burning in the fireplace.  By now, we were also thirsty, so we popped open a couple of beers.   During, Misty Mountain Hop, I yelled at Wes, “WASN’T THIS SONG INFLUENCED BY J.R.R. TOLKIEN ?”  Wes turned down the music, walked over to the group bookshelf,  grabbed a paperback book with a sky blue cover, and said, “Bill I want you to read this book, the author of this book was great friends with J.R.R. Tolkien.” 

For those of you in sales, who don’t know the close Wes just used, it’s called- The Rock and Roll Zeppelin to Tolkien to Lewis, non-devout literary Christian friend close, and it works 99% of the time!   I read C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity, and several of Lewis other books.  Wes, I’m sure you are still a great salesperson!

Since that night in Auburn, there have been a plethora of other occasions that my love of Rock and Roll has made me a more literate person.  I think, listening to Rock and Roll is like a party in a rustic stately old home with hardwood floors. Inside this cool house, there is a branch of the main party in each room.   The entire home is filled with bookcases, and each mini party has books on the shelves that are appropriate for that mini party.   Below, I’ve listed a minute sample of some of the books I’ve learned about through the time I’ve spent in the various rooms of rock and roll.  

A Brief Overview of My Rock and Roll Inspired Literacy

The Secret Sharer, by Joseph Conrad-  The Who (I read in a magazine article that Pete Townshend was a fan of Conrad’s.)

Anthem, by Ayn Rand - Rush 

The Complete Poems Of William Blake - The Doors

The Lord Of The Rings, by J.R.R. Tolkien- Led Zeppelin

Memories, Dreams, and Reflections, by Carl Jung- The Police

The Power Of Myth, by Joseph Campbell- The Doors

The Pilgrim’s Regress, by C.S. Lewis- Led Zeppelin to Tolkien to Lewis :) 

Some Books I am Going to Read Soon Because of a Rock and Roll Influence 

The Sacred and The Profane: The Nature of Religion, by Mircae Eliade- The Doors

Alice In Wonderland , by Lewis Carroll- The Beatles (John Lennon) 

A Collection Of Scriptures, Prayers, & Poems, by Thomas Dekker- The Beatles (I can’t find this book, if anyone knows where to get it, please let me know.  Thanks!)

Consider the Lobster: And Other Essays, by David Foster Wallace- Ambulance Ltd.

Some Rock and Roll Literature Links

Found In The Margins

Artists For Literacy

Rock 'n' Roll Finds Its Place in Literature 

"Listen, real poetry doesn't say anything; it just ticks off the possibilities. Opens all doors. You can walk through anyone that suits you."  Jim Morrison

It’s too bad the Doors, Jim Morrison, never knew President Eisenhower.  Both were men who were not afraid of books.  They would have had a great conversation!

What books have you read because of a Rock and Roll influence?  Please leave your comments below, or contact me directly.  My contact info is in the sidebar.

Thanks for stopping by!  Bill

Ring Of Light My Fire

“The Road Of Excess Leads To The Palace Of Wisdom”

Bill Blake

“The Road Of Excess Leads To The Palace Of Wisdom If It Does Not Kill You.”  Bill Boulton

I once heard a man say that “a rainy day causes your mind to travel.”  During my afternoon walk with my dog, Cody, my mind traveled to an alternative universe in Venice, California.  It’s a cool summer night in 1965, and Jim Morrison  is living on a comfortably decaying Venetian roof, where he is staring across the top of the stirring palm trees, across the beach, and out into the ocean.   Next to the future Dionysian rock star, strumming a guitar, smiling, and looking down at an old family Bible sits, Johnny Cash.  Unfortunately, my image of Johnny and Jim faded, before they began speaking, so I am not blessed with what they were discussing in the universe next door.

“Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.” Friedrich Nietzsche  

Darkness was a theme in the lives of Johnny Cash and Jim Morrison.  Johnny said he wore black to symbolize compassion for "the poor and the beaten down ... the prisoner ... the sick, the lonely, and the old."   Cash spoke of the darkness of his inner demons when he said, "Sometimes I am two people. Johnny is the nice one. Cash causes all the trouble. They fight."  Morrison said that "We're more interested in the dark side of life, the evil thing, the night time."  He also stated that, “People fear death even more than pain. It's strange that they fear death. Life hurts a lot more than death. At the point of death, the pain is over. Yeah, I guess it is a friend...”

What I believe, is that Johnny Cash and Jim Morrison had the courage to “look into the abyss.”  Jim Morrison had a spiritual awakening while he was alone on a rooftop in Venice, Ca., and Johnny Cash had a spiritual awakening in a cave near Chattanooga, Tn.  Both men at times attempted to numb the pain of their vision with drugs and alcohol.  One of them survived when the abyss looked back, and one of them did not.

“So in the sleazy beach area of Venice Beach, Ca., Jim Morrison began the final catharsis from a shy overweight kid to a poet and rock legend. Among the muddy canals and peeling colonnades, he lived alone, above abandoned rooms where the only sound was the occasional echo of a passing car and the only light an eerie reflection from the vacant passageways below...The light struggled to get in and the darkness struggled to get out, but all Jim Morrison knew was that a change was taking place inside him.”  Break On Through-  The Life And Death Of Jim Morrison , James Riordan & Jerry Prochnicky 

Jim Morrison- The Premature Death Of A Rooftop Poet

Like the late Jim Morrison, I am a fan of mythologist Joseph Campbell.    I think that the reason for Jim’s early demise can be demonstrated by the Modified Hero’s Journey graphic from the Passionate Blog .

 

Here’s how this graphic fits Morrison’s story: 1. Life Is Normal- UCLA Film School 2.  Something Happens To Change That- His rooftop visions in Venice, Ca. 3. Adds Helpful Sidekicks And Mentor- Ray Manzarek (Mentor), Robby Krieger, and John Densmore (Sidekicks) 4.  Things “really suck”-  Arrests, balancing relationships with several women at once, at least one his girlfriends, Pam Courson, (his “cosmic mate”) is an addict, the “Miami Incident,” drinking and drugging increase.  5. The hero Overcomes Bad Things...  Morrison failed to escape the “things really suck” portion of Professor Campbell’s Hero’s Journey.  

Professor Campbell states, “A hero is someone who has given his or her life to something bigger than oneself.”   While this is entirely speculation on my part, I believe that Jim never gave his life to something bigger than himself, before his personal demons destroyed him.    

“Something profound occurred to prevent Cash from drifting into death. It was as if,all of a sudden, peace came to him, he remembered. Cash rejected it initially because it was like "a sobriety which seemed impossible because I'd taken so many amphetamines to finish myself off. Then I became aware of where I was with God."

The feeling came to him that "God wanted to speak to my heart". Cash felt an overpowering urge to get up on his knees and start crawling in the pitch darkness. And he did so, though the passages in the cave led off in all different directions and there were sudden drops over cliff edges into huge caverns beneath. Cash had to move completely by feel, but he wasn't confused.

It was like I was following orders. I have no idea how long I crawled through the darkness, but after a while I saw the light ."

Johnny Cash- Out Of The Cave And Into The Light 

When Johnny Cash, crawled out of Nickajack cave, he crawled straight to June Carter, June’s mother and back to the Christian faith he grew up in.  Cash’s Christianity served as a light to the outcasts of society.  In the word’s of U2’s Bono, "Johnny Cash doesn’t sing to the damned, he sings with the damned, and sometimes you feel he might prefer their company.  Johnny Cash is a righteous dude, and he keeps righteous company with June Carter Cash and the Carter Family, but it’s the ‘outlaw’ in him we love…the ‘thief’ who would break and enter your heart, and leave you with a nagging question, ‘Were you there when they crucified my Lord?’" 

The Message Of Jim and Johnny 

In Joseph Conrad’s novella The Secret Sharer, the captain of a ship learns from his “shadow” how to keep his ship from running onto the rocks.   Maybe Jim Morrison would have survived if he had returned to his Catholic upbringing, maybe he would have survived if he had become a Zen priest, maybe he would have survived if the Betty Ford clinic had been open.  I wish, I had the answers, but I don’t.  I’m not God, just a dude in Alabama with a blog.   

I believe the message from these two artists lives presents itself in two questions. What can we learn from our shadow sides?  What is the cause greater that ourselves that each of us can commit to?

Do you have a cause larger than yourself that you are committed to?  What is it?  Please leave your comments, below.  If you don’t want to leave comments below, please feel free to contact me directly.  My contact information is at the top of the sidebar.

THANKS FOR DROPPING BY!

What Millions Of Us Have In Common With Kurt Cobain

“Depression is the inability to construct a future.” Rollo May

The old grey donkey, Eeyore stood by himself in a thistly corner of the Forest, his front feet well apart, his head on one side, and thought about things. Sometimes he thought sadly to himself, "Why?" and sometimes he thought, "Wherefore?" and sometimes he thought, "Inasmuch as which?" and sometimes he didn't quite know what he was thinking about.

A. A. Milne

From Winnie the Pooh

“Depression is rage spread thin.” George Santayana

Yesterday morning, my dog, Cody, could not get up.  I was downstairs, and I heard him yelping in pain.  When I came back upstairs, he tried to get up, but could not push off with his back legs.  All I knew, was his front legs could move, but his back legs seemed frozen.  So, I picked him up, and carried him downstairs.  For some reason, as I was carrying Cody down the stairs, a memory of Kurt Cobain playing with the rest of Nirvana on MTV’S unplugged  crossed my mind- I saw Kurt, frail and tired, and apparently depressed , playing “Jesus Don’t Want Me For A Sunbeam.”   Suddenly, I made the connection that depression could be our brain’s way of “yelping” for help and begging us to help it “get to where it needs to go.”

A few years ago, I was sitting in my favorite chair in our living room.  I don’t remember why I decided to move my arm, all I remember was what it was like when my arm wouldn’t move.  First, I smiled as I had a flash back to when I was in college and believed that it was actually pleasurable to drink myself into this state.  Each attempt to lift my arm, brought less pleasure,  but unlike my dog Cody, I had no one at home who could hear me yelping.    (The dudes calling the game on  ESPN, couldn’t seem to hear me. :) )  Finally, I “accepted” that I could not lift my arm, and there was nothing I could do about it- At that moment, I felt a sense of peace.   I didn’t realize what I accepted then, but what I had temporarily accepted, was that I was depressed. (My doctor  “officially diagnosed” me as depressed the following week.)  After my initial discussion with my doctor,  I went in and out of denial about this illness, before I reached final acceptance and decided to do whatever was necessary to  overcome the insidious effects depression. 

Like Kurt Cobain, before I “bottomed out,” I thought about ending it all.  Fortunately, I never went further than thinking about driving out to buy the gun. 

 

“The first step is always acceptance.  Acceptance precedes even recognition.” Cheri Huber

So, “why in the hell” am I writing about my personal experience with depression on my blog?  Because, I believe that I have an obligation do so.  (Depression may be the most powerful bullet that “Agent Smith shoots at me.”)  In the two weeks that I have been posting, most of this blog’s readers have come from five groups: 1. Entrepreneurs 2. Musicians 3. Writers 4. Music fans  5. (Some combination of the first four groups.)   I don’t want anyone reading this post to lose what I lost to depression. HERE’S WHAT I LOST TO DEPRESSION- ABOUT 20 YEARS OF MY LIFE.  Author, Elizabeth Wurtzel, said that “Prozac did not cure my depression, but it gave me a space to work in.”   For almost 20 years of my life, I did not have “a space to work in.”

The traits that enable us to succeed as entrepreneurs can set us up for depression.  If you are a writer or a musician, and you don’t believe that you have a higher than average risk of experiencing depression, please look here, or here. :)

What’s Worked For Me (In no order)

1.  Listening to my doctor. 

2.  Strict nutrition and exercise program.  

3.  Having a no tolerance policy on negative thinking.

4. Morning prayer and meditation time.

5.  Doing the “Zen thing.”  (If I think one second behind me or in front of me, I can rapidly find myself in a very bad neighborhood in my head.)

6. A healthy marriage.

7.  Sharing with friends who have experienced or are experiencing depression.

8. My dog is my best buddy.  (If you don’t like dogs, please consider a cat. :) )

9.  Walking The Black Dog Blog.   

http://walkingtheblackdog.com/  

A Few Books That Have Helped Me Overcome Depression (In No Order Again. :) )

1.  Undoing Depression by Richard O'Connor

2.  Self Coaching by Joseph Luciani

3.  The Depression Book by Cheri Huber

If you have any questions about my experience with depression, please contact me through this blog or Twitter.  Have you experienced depression?  If so, what has helped you overcome its harmful effects?  

“I wish I was like you

Easily amused

Find my nest of salt

Everything is my fault

I'll take all the blame

I'll proceed from shame”

Nirvana “All Apologies”- Lyrics by Kurt Cobain

 

Do You Want To Be Fugazi Or U2?

 

“Bo Burlingham reminds us of a vital truth: big does not equal great, and great does not equal big.”  Jim Collins, coauthor of Built to Last  and author of Good to Great . 

“American business at this point is really about developing an idea, making it profitable, selling it while it’s profitable and then getting out or diversifying. It’s just about sucking everything up. My idea was: Enjoy baking, sell your bread, people like it, sell more. Keep the bakery going because you’re making good food and people are happy.” Ian MacKaye, Fugazi frontman

Do I want to be Fugazi  (pronounced 'Foogähzee') or U2 ?  I say this each day as if these words came out of a holy work... Okay, I don’t really- But, I believe some form of this question should be asked by anyone who is playing in a band, working as a writer, starting a business, or running a business.  Here’s some other ways this question can be asked-  Do I want complete creative control, or only partial creative control over what I do?  Would I be able to do more good in the world, if “my message” has worldwide distribution?  Is it okay to receive attention from only a niche group of people? Is having “lack of control” worth the price of being “really big?”  Am I okay with making just a little money?  Will I be satisfied with a “middle-class” lifestyle, or do I want to become “really rich.”

For those of you who don’t wake up each day asking yourselves, “How would  Fugazi handle this situation?” Here's a brief summary of how Fugazi does business from Tim McMahan’s excellent lazy-i blog .

“Look up Fugazi in any alt/rock/music guide and you'll find an entry that reads: "The Washington D.C. indie punk rock band, known for its strident anti-corporate stance." Research Fugazi on the Internet and you'll likely find countless articles describing how the band has managed to flourish despite bucking the mighty rock-star machine. Ask you're run-of-the-mill Fugazi fan about the band and they'll tell you, with great pride, how they never sold out.

Keep looking, eventually you'll find something about their music. Fugazi's Ian MacKaye and Guy Picciotto, both songwriters and vocalists, know that their legendary flip of the bird at the corporate rock establishment has long ago become their calling card. That doesn't mean they like it.

"Yes, I guess our actions can be seen as anti-corporate, but that's just the way we operate," MacKaye said. He and Picciotto talked via phone from their D.C. homes last week. "What comes natural to us might strike others as austere and intense, but everything we've done – whether it's how we release our records or control ticket prices – has always been centered around making the most comfortable environment to play our music. It should be that way for all bands."

Fugazi's integrity was legendary long before Pearl Jam made headlines with its quasi-fight against Ticketmaster. The band continues to charge no more than $5 or $6 for its shows, and tickets are sold mainly at indie music outlets or the venues. All six Fugazi albums have been released on MacKaye's Dischord record label and sell for around $10 at indie music stores. The band doesn't do interviews with mainstream magazines, such as Rolling Stone or Spin, preferring to talk to small, local publications or fanzines. There are no Fugazi T-shirts, MTV videos or other slick promotional gimmicks. The band is proud to say it makes its living doing one thing: playing music.”

So, Fugazi, wants complete creative control.  I think they are a great example of the “start small, keep it all,” approach to business. They are very happy to make a nice income playing music, and to receive the love of their fans.  Jetting around in a large corporate jet isn’t near the top of their priority list.  So, do you want to be Fugazi?  If you want your business, band, or book, to become larger than Fugazi,  what are you willing to give up to do that?

BUSINESSES WHO HAVE A FUGAZI BUSINESS MODEL 

1.  Anchor Brewing  

2.  Righteous Babe Records  

3. Patagonia

4.  The Green Bay Packers -  I hear the laughing... Yes, they have to abide by the NFL rules like all NFL teams, but- they could have left Green Bay for the “big city” decades ago.  The Packers are the only NFL franchise that is publicly owned. 

“All compromise is based on give and take, but there can be no give and take on fundamentals. Any compromise on mere fundamentals is a surrender. For it is all give and no take.” 

Mohandas Gandhi 

“We’re not shy about being big anymore. I think rock and roll should be big. It’s about mass communication. The idea that it’s kind of a cult thing and that it’s underground is all very well, but it’s shame if that’s all it ever is…that the majority of the airwaves are dominated by music that’s purely commercially motivated and does not go beyond that, but is essentially one-dimensional. We’re in a position where we can do some more wild things and I would think it would be a shame if we just accepted the standards and the way that most bands go about their business, and didn’t use this position in a different way.”  U2 Guitarist Edge in an interview on Negativeland.com.

From day one, I believe that U2 knew they wanted to, “become something like The Beatles.”  As they have approached a Beatles style level of success, has U2 compromised on what Gandhi calls “the fundamentals?”  It is a debatable point...  Though some will adamantly disagree with me, I believe U2 has compromised, but not on the fundamentals.  I like Brad Reno and Ira Robbins   words better than my words- “...U2 behaves like a dog that has been jolted by the invisible fence a few times too often. Still, they do try to leave the porch now and again, and it's obvious they want to shake things up as much as their fans will allow, a creditable impulse for a band of U2's stature and endurance.” 

“The only thing I can say about having this type of success is that you can get yourself in trouble because basically the world is set open for you. People will say yes to anything you ask, so it's basically down to you and what you want or need.” 

Bruce Springsteen 

Can all of us become as big as U2 without compromising on our fundamentals?  I think, U2 began pretty far out on “The Long Tail,” as Fugazi did.  Unlike Fugazi, U2 chose to keep moving closer to the head. (For a great summary of the book, The Long Tail, the books author, Chris Anderson, has a great summary here. ) 

“I have found that the greatest help in meeting any problem is to know where you yourself stand. That is, to have in words what you believe and are acting from.” 

William Faulkner 

THREE BASIC QUESTIONS TO ASK (Consider heeding Faulkner’s admonition and write out your answers. :) ) 

1.  What do I need to do to become Fugazi and stay Fugazi?

2.  What actions can I take, to become Fugazi first, and then become  U2?

3. What are the options other than the two models above?  Do I like one of these other options better?  

Whatever our opinions might be about how well we have held to our integrity; any of us who want to obtain mega-success need to be ready for two words “sell out.”   

SMART MOVE OR SELL OUT?

Below, are a couple of examples of businesses that chose to give up some creative control to “reach a larger audience.”   All of them have detractors who say they “sold out.”  What do you think,  smart business moves, or “sell out?”

1.     

The Scoop on Ben & Jerry's Sellout

Ben & Jerry's About Page

2.    

Did, Seth Goldman, founder of Honest Tea Go to the Dark Side?

Honest Tea Mission Statement

 

We All Face Agent Smith's Bullets

Jesus said of the devil, "He was a murderer from the beginning" (John 8:44).

Excerpt from Living with the Devil by Stephen Batchelor

Buddha calls Mara the Antaka. While anta means "end", "limit", "boundary," or "horizon," the Pali suffix -ka implies "one who makes" or "imposes" such things. Mara is that which limits us, confines us within boundaries, fixes our horizons, and brings everything to an end............We inherit or adopt opinions about ourselves and the world that we cling to and refuse to relinquish. So certain are we of being "right" that our convictions feel embedded in our flesh. Yet, to be ensnared by them locks us into fixed dogmatic positions, which are a form of intellectual and spiritual death.

A good friend of mine says that whatever you want to call it, the devil, archetype of evil, lower power, the dark side of the force, or “Agent Smith,” there is something working beyond us that is not out for our good.  In my friend’s words, this “force” wants us to die all alone by yourself, with no friends, in a state of utter misery.  This “devil” wants to separate us from the rest of humanity.  For those of you who are not familiar with the movie The Matrix, all you need to know is that Agent Smith is a very bad person. (By bad... I don’t mean good. :) )

Fortunately, I don’t know that I have been directly confronted by “the archetype of evil” often in my life.  There have often been times, when I have faced what motivational speaker, Les Brown, calls the Merchant Of Misery though.    I believe that Agent Smith/ Merchant Of Misery, operates as “The Lower Powers Chief Of Staff.”  The Merchant may not succeed in completely separating us from everyone else, but this power will place us where the final separation can occur.     The Merchant is a “setup” artist.  His goal is to weaken us so that the devil/archetype of evil can move in for the final blow.  

 

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

In baseball, a setup pitcher (or set-up pitcher, sometimes called the setup man) is a relief pitcher who regularly pitches before the closer. They commonly pitch the 7th and/or 8th innings, with the closer pitching the 9th.

If you are a baseball fan, Agent Smith is, Mariano Rivera, when he was a setup pitcher, working to get the game to, Trevor Hoffman, who is arguably the greatest closer in MLB history. For those of you who aren’t baseball fans, think about a time you left a business with a major purchase you didn’t really plan to buy.  You might have begun your shopping speaking with a nice salesman or saleswoman, who peaked your interest, but just couldn’t quite get you to buy.  At the moment your interest was peaked, but you were still leaving without spending your hard earned cash, the sales closer appeared, and the next thing you knew, this attractive, charming woman, or man, had convinced you to sign up for a new car, health club membership, high dollar entertainment system, or __________. (Fill in your own blank.)  While all of us may benefit from any of the purchases I just described, no one will never benefit from what Agent Smith is selling.

"What is it inside our heads that makes us do the opposite? 

Makes us do the opposite of what's right for us? 

Cause everything'd be grrreat... and everything'd be good... 

If everybody gave... like everybody could."  My Morning Jacket

HERE’S SOME OF THE THINGS AGENT SMITH SAYS:

“You can’t change. This is what you’ve always done.  You’re too young to start doing that.  You’re too old now, forget it.  Who made you an expert?  No one will like you if you do that.  You’re stupid.  Forget it, you’re too smart for them, they can’t possibly relate to you.  Can’t do that, you don’t have enough money. Everybody hates you because you have so much money. You’re too ugly!  They all hate you because your so good looking!  You’re to skinny!  You’re too fat!  You re a loser! You suck!  You’ve really... blown it... now!!!   All this never stops, and never will stop unless we do whatever it is that we need to do to confront Agent Smith.

HEAVY HAND- THE CALL

I feel the heavy hand of truth upon me

I feel the deadly sin of pride

It separates the highest from the lowly

It separates love from you and I

I hear the taunting voice of sure temptation

I hear the rantings of a child

An inner voice telling me I'm nothing

The voice is mine, subject to the lie

Heavy hand on heart

Healing words to impart

Heavy hand on my throat

This is no dream

This is no dream

I see the haunting glow of pure surrender

A shapeless light reveals the hidden vow

I can see the countless sons of thunder,

With their knowing eyes circling around me

I feel divisions in this crowd

Heavy hand on my heart

Healing word to impart

Heavy hand on my throat

This is no dream

This is no joke

(From http://www.metrolyrics.com/heavy-hand-lyrics-the-call.html )

WHAT AGENT SMITH WANTS TO SET US UP FOR

I believe that this dark power wants to set us up for a premature physical or spiritual death.   The evil forces don’t care whether this is done through booze, drugs, sloth, anger, depression, or_____(Whatever you struggle with.)  In spiritual death, I think we are “plugged into the Matrix."  We are breathing, but not being what we were created to be.  We may find ourselves spiritually dead, if we spend years “doing what we think they want us to do,” instead of what we need to do.   The words of The Red Hot Chili Pepper’s Anthony Kiedis in his book Scar Tissue, describe vividly what happens when we allow ourselves to be spiritually beaten down. “When your spirit becomes dark and your lifestyle becomes dark, your existence is susceptible to infiltration by dark spirits. I’ve seen it many times with addicts.  You can see that they’re controlled by dark energy, the way they look, their appearance, their voice, their behavior, it’s not them.”

HERE ARE FOUR THINGS I HAVE FOUND USEFUL IN DEALING WITH DARK ENERGY

1. Develop a set of spiritual principles. (A belief in God or something larger than oneself.  If you are an atheist, this may be a cause, not a God or spiritual teacher.)

2.   Here’s my summary of every self help book ever written, courtesy of the great teacher, Earl Nightingale- “You become what you think about all the time.”  If we think loving, encouraging thoughts, we get that.   If we think hateful, destructive thoughts we get that. WE SHOULD MONITOR OUR SELF TALK 24-7 AND KEEP IT LOVING AND POSITIVE. 

3. I believe that my sleeping dreams are a great source of spiritual guidance.  I believe as Episcopal Priest, John Sanford, that “Dreams Are God’s Forgotten Language.”  (See sidebar for a link to the book.)

4. My belief, is that we owe the world what we are, not what, “They want us to be, or ‘the world’ wants us to be.”  We should give the world “our beauty.”  For some of us, this might literally be looks and charm, for others, this may be our creativity, our intelligence, our mechanical ability, or an almost infinite number of gifts. I am very grateful that The Doors  interested me in the poetry of William Blake.  Blake’s poem Mary has often helped me resist the attacks of “Agent Smith.”   I believe that Mary is the best example in literature of the consequences of not sharing our God given beauty with the world.  (The entire poem is below The Doors photo.)

  

William Blake:

MARY 

Sweet Mary, the first time she ever was there,

Came into the ball-room among the fair;

The young men and maidens around her throng,

And these are the words upon every tongue; 

`An Angel is here from the heavenly climes,

Or again does return the golden times;

Her eyes outshine every brilliant ray,

She opens her lips--'tis the Month of May.' 

Mary moves in soft beauty and conscious delight,

To augment with sweet smiles all the joys of the night,

Nor once blushes to own to the rest of the fair

That sweet Love and Beauty are worthy our care. 

In the morning the villagers rose with delight,

And repeated with pleasure the joys of the night,

And Mary arose among friends to be free,

But no friend from henceforward thou, Mary, shalt see. 

Some said she was proud, some call'd her a whore,

And some, when she passèd by, shut to the door;

A damp cold came o'er her, her blushes all fled;

Her lilies and roses are blighted and shed. 

`O, why was I born with a different face?

Why was I not born like this envious race?

Why did Heaven adorn me with bountiful hand,

And then set me down in an envious land? 

`To be weak as a lamb and smooth as a dove,

And not to raise envy, is call'd Christian love;

But if you raise envy your merit's to blame

For planting such spite in the weak and the tame. 

`I will humble my beauty, I will not dress fine,

I will keep from the ball, and my eyes shall not shine;

And if any girl's lover forsakes her for me

I'll refuse him my hand, and from envy be free.' 

She went out in morning attir'd plain and neat;

`Proud Mary's gone mad,' said the child in the street;

She went out in morning in plain neat attire,

And came home in evening bespatter'd with mire. 

She trembled and wept, sitting on the bedside,

She forgot it was night, and she trembled and cried;

She forgot it was night, she forgot it was morn,

Her soft memory imprinted with faces of scorn; 

With faces of scorn and with eyes of disdain,

Like foul fiends inhabiting Mary's mild brain;

She remembers no face like the Human Divine,

All faces have envy, sweet Mary, but thine; 

And thine is a face of sweet love in despair,

And thine is a face of mild sorrow and care,

And thine is a face of wild terror and fear

That shall never be quiet till laid on its bier.

Weirdos Are Wonderful

"Criticism is something we can avoid easily by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.”  Aristotle

“Guitar bands are on their way out.”  (What Decca Records said when they rejected The Beatles)

I wish I had been able to see the cool LA punk band The Weirdos when they were together!  This post starts with something I did get to experience though.  Several weeks ago, I had a very meaningful conversation with a friend of mine.  In that conversation, my friend told me that I should, “Get a job and go to work as everybody else does.”  Now, I am starting a business, so I am working, but I may not be working “like everybody else does.”  Several weeks have passed now, and that conversation has had time to ferment.  I have decided this- Why would I want to be like everybody else?  Most people don’t like their work, many people aren’t happy with their relationships, and many people probably don’t even really like their lives, so why would I want to be like everybody else?   So, I’ve come to a major conclusion… I  want to take not being like everybody else to a higher level... I want to be “a weirdo.” I’ve decided that WEIRDOS ARE WONDERFUL!   

What is a weirdo anyway?  My definition of a weirdo is: A weirdo is someone who is just him or herself.  A weirdo will rarely do something because, "everyone else is doing it.”  A weirdo band will play the type of music they like whether that is what everyone is “down with” now or not.  Weirdo business people will start businesses that “can’t possibly make it.” Weirdos typically do positive  things that they enjoy, and have a passion for, whether everyone approves of what they do or not. 

So, will we all become rich tech barons, famous writers,  or rock stars if  all of us become weirdos?  No, probably not.  But, I do think that when we pursue things that we have a passion for and are good at, we will be happier regardless of our income levels.  So, if that is the case,  why aren’t we all weirdos? 

OBJECTIONS THAT SOME PEOPLE MAY HAVE TO BEING A WEIRDO

1.  PEOPLE WILL NOT LIKE ME IF I AM WEIRDO

- See the Aristotle quote above.  No matter how “nice” any of us are, there will be people who don’t like us.  Might as well do something we have a passion for and believe is right.  I believe, when you are yourself, more of the people who are good for you will like you.   

   

     

2.  I WILL BE UNEMPLOYABLE AND WON'T MAKE ANY MONEY IF I AM A WEIRDO

- I received the photos above in an email with this caption:  “Would you have invested in companies started by these people.”   Those folks aren’t exactly “Dress For Success” type people are they?

If you don’t already know this, the photo on the top is Apple Computer's Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak, the photo in the center is Bill Gates and the rest of the Microsoft staff around 1978, and the “the nerds” in the bottom photo are members of a then unknown Irish band, who according to biographer, Matt McGee, were ready to throw in the towel after the early 1980 tour of Ireland— the one that ended with Island signing U2 to a major contract.  Sometimes, pictures may not “say a thousand words,” but can cost “non-weirdos” thousands, millions, or billions of dollars. ☺

Once we’ve overcome these two major objections, what else will help us achieve our desired level of weirdness?

Here are two actions we can all take to achieve our desired level of weirdness:

1.  The first way that you can become a weirdo is by reading books, listening to tapes, or watching movies about weird and strange, but positive people that you admire, or relate to.   The key phrase is- that you can relate to.  For instance, maybe you don't want to read about some rock star who wears sunglasses indoors for instance. (I happen to enjoy reading about Bono. ☺) When you read, you will be absorbing inspiration and motivation to change.    

2.  Accept things as they are right here right now. I am a huge sports fan, but  I will not be the next Michael Jordan no matter how long I stay on the basketball court. I have to accept that I don’t have those skills.  I would love it if I had done what I thought was best, and worked on starting my own business 20 years ago though.  But, I can't go back and do that, so I might as well not live where I can't be.  I can only perform when I focus on what is going on right now, and I believe the same thing is true for everyone else. 

What will the consequences be if we decide that becoming a weirdo is too much trouble?  During his lifetime, professor Joseph Campbell was probably the world’s foremost expert on myths.  After studying all humanities great myths, and all our great religious traditions, professor Campbell reached this conclusion.  He said that not being yourself had very serious consequences.  Hell, said professor Campbell, “is living someone else's life."  Regardless of what our individual belief systems may tell us about hell, I think that we can all agree that is somewhere we don't want to go, even for a visit…