“Depression is the inability to construct a future.” Rollo May
The old grey donkey, Eeyore stood by himself in a thistly corner of the Forest, his front feet well apart, his head on one side, and thought about things. Sometimes he thought sadly to himself, "Why?" and sometimes he thought, "Wherefore?" and sometimes he thought, "Inasmuch as which?" and sometimes he didn't quite know what he was thinking about.
A. A. Milne
From Winnie the Pooh
“Depression is rage spread thin.” George Santayana
Yesterday morning, my dog, Cody, could not get up. I was downstairs, and I heard him yelping in pain. When I came back upstairs, he tried to get up, but could not push off with his back legs. All I knew, was his front legs could move, but his back legs seemed frozen. So, I picked him up, and carried him downstairs. For some reason, as I was carrying Cody down the stairs, a memory of Kurt Cobain playing with the rest of Nirvana on MTV’S unplugged crossed my mind- I saw Kurt, frail and tired, and apparently depressed , playing “Jesus Don’t Want Me For A Sunbeam.” Suddenly, I made the connection that depression could be our brain’s way of “yelping” for help and begging us to help it “get to where it needs to go.”
A few years ago, I was sitting in my favorite chair in our living room. I don’t remember why I decided to move my arm, all I remember was what it was like when my arm wouldn’t move. First, I smiled as I had a flash back to when I was in college and believed that it was actually pleasurable to drink myself into this state. Each attempt to lift my arm, brought less pleasure, but unlike my dog Cody, I had no one at home who could hear me yelping. (The dudes calling the game on ESPN, couldn’t seem to hear me. :) ) Finally, I “accepted” that I could not lift my arm, and there was nothing I could do about it- At that moment, I felt a sense of peace. I didn’t realize what I accepted then, but what I had temporarily accepted, was that I was depressed. (My doctor “officially diagnosed” me as depressed the following week.) After my initial discussion with my doctor, I went in and out of denial about this illness, before I reached final acceptance and decided to do whatever was necessary to overcome the insidious effects depression.
Like Kurt Cobain, before I “bottomed out,” I thought about ending it all. Fortunately, I never went further than thinking about driving out to buy the gun.
“The first step is always acceptance. Acceptance precedes even recognition.” Cheri Huber
So, “why in the hell” am I writing about my personal experience with depression on my blog? Because, I believe that I have an obligation do so. (Depression may be the most powerful bullet that “Agent Smith shoots at me.”) In the two weeks that I have been posting, most of this blog’s readers have come from five groups: 1. Entrepreneurs 2. Musicians 3. Writers 4. Music fans 5. (Some combination of the first four groups.) I don’t want anyone reading this post to lose what I lost to depression. HERE’S WHAT I LOST TO DEPRESSION- ABOUT 20 YEARS OF MY LIFE. Author, Elizabeth Wurtzel, said that “Prozac did not cure my depression, but it gave me a space to work in.” For almost 20 years of my life, I did not have “a space to work in.”
The traits that enable us to succeed as entrepreneurs can set us up for depression. If you are a writer or a musician, and you don’t believe that you have a higher than average risk of experiencing depression, please look here, or here. :)
What’s Worked For Me (In no order)
1. Listening to my doctor.
2. Strict nutrition and exercise program.
3. Having a no tolerance policy on negative thinking.
4. Morning prayer and meditation time.
5. Doing the “Zen thing.” (If I think one second behind me or in front of me, I can rapidly find myself in a very bad neighborhood in my head.)
6. A healthy marriage.
7. Sharing with friends who have experienced or are experiencing depression.
8. My dog is my best buddy. (If you don’t like dogs, please consider a cat. :) )
9. Walking The Black Dog Blog.
http://walkingtheblackdog.com/
A Few Books That Have Helped Me Overcome Depression (In No Order Again. :) )
1. Undoing Depression by Richard O'Connor
2. Self Coaching by Joseph Luciani
3. The Depression Book by Cheri Huber
If you have any questions about my experience with depression, please contact me through this blog or Twitter. Have you experienced depression? If so, what has helped you overcome its harmful effects?
“I wish I was like you
Easily amused
Find my nest of salt
Everything is my fault
I'll take all the blame
I'll proceed from shame”
Nirvana “All Apologies”- Lyrics by Kurt Cobain
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